Do I have a right to ask about her past relationships?

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Yesterday, 09:46 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 14	I've been in a relationship with a woman for almost a year and it's getting pretty serious. I'm divorced and so is she. She had some emotional affairs late in her marriage (after their two kids were born) of 15 years and eventually a full blown affair that ended it. She swears that these relationships were a response to her husband's complete lack of attention to her and she would never do that to me because I give her everything that she needs. She swears she begged him in tears to change and even told him she would step out on him if he didn't, but that he was indifferent. She's in therapy and has taken many steps to change and insists that she's now a different person and has learned from her mistakes. As a result of all of this, I have some fairly significant trust issues and she is aware of this. She has been very open about all of her history with one exception. There was an extended EA with her boss that lasted at least a year (three years ago). I found out about it from another source and though she said she was going to tell me about it eventually, I don't believe she ever would have. It was a weird and disfuntional relationship with strong sexual overtones, but she says there was no sexual contact. She was shocked and angry when I found out about it, and says she hid it because she is so ashamed and embarrassed about it. She admits it was inappropriate, but won't give me details about it and after almost a year in therapy, still refuses to tell her therapist about it. I love her and we are very compatible, and I think have a great potential if we can get past this trust thing. I understand the risks involved, but she has offered to bring me to therapy with her to work through her past and my ability to trust her. We all make mistakes in life that we regret and I really want to give her the benefit of the doubt and a chance to prove her love. My question then is, how much right do I have to ask her for details about her past relationships? If I go to therapy with her, I'm going to want to ask her about this thing with her boss and she's probably not going to want to talk about, since not even her therapist is aware of it yet. I don't think I can take this relationship much further if I don't resolve this, but don't know where the line is in terms of delving into your partner's past. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.
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Yesterday, 11:12 PM	? #10 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 14	She no longer works for that boss. He was canned. And she is humiliated by the relationship. I'm aware of the "once a cheater, always a cheater" concept, but to be honest, I ended up in an affair after a long unhappy marriage, so it's tempered my judgement. It was a symptom of my problems with the marriage, not the cause, and the marriage was near its end regardless when it happened. No excuse, I know, but I learned much from the experience and I'll never let it happen again. I think she feels the same way about hers, but there's more of a pattern of behavior there and so, yeah, I guess it's a deal breaker for me. I'm a believer now in "radical honesty". Nothing should be off limits in a marriage in terms of openness and honesty. I just don't know where to draw the line in a dating relationship. Posted via Mobile Device Last edited by Tommy509; Yesterday at 11:22 PM.
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Yesterday, 11:39 PM	? #11 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 38	It seems that you know the answer. You have every right to ask about a partner's previous relationships. You just need to be prepared for the answers. 1. She tells you all. You may or may not be happy with what you hear. 2. She refuses to tell you anything. You won't be satisfied and will resent her. 3. You let it go. Will this path have future consequences? There are cases for all three. Sometimes number three is the way to go. Nothing may come of this. You may live happily ever after. However, you really want to know, don't you? So you have to tell her it's a deal breaker. You don't need to make it an immediate ultimatum ie. "I'm gonna walk out that door if you don't..." Just let her know that at some point sooner or later she is going to have to come clean. She will try and wriggle out of it, but don't let her.
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